Wednesday, December 26, 2012

my first time coming out !

so today i decided to come out to my best friend ! I have never felt this nervous and scared in my whole life !  I have always thought that it will be easy and quick but once i decided to actually come out it wasn't as simple as i thought!
I had millions of questions in my mind ... what will his reaction be? what will he say? is he going to take it like ''oh cool man''? or like ''fuck off you fag'' ? what will happen for our 7 years of friendship? and a lot more ...
I didn't plan a scenario or write down what i have to say ... i just let the words flow by their own!

I have already asked him to take me for a ride away from home ... It was something new to him because i am not this ''i share all my secrets with my friends'' type of person , so most of our conversations were about school and now university and stuff like that ...
I always felt that there was a barrier between me and him! i mean 7 years of friendship and we didn't even get a little closer those whole 7 years ! i could never be totally honest with him and there were some topics that i was uncomfortable discussing with him obviously because of my sexuality so i just limited our conversations ...

so let's get back to the coming out thing ... he parked the car in the middle of nowhere , just like i asked him to , and he said:
-''now ... what do you want to tell me''
i barely answered:
-''it is hard ... really hard ... i need some time''

after a few minutes of silence he said :
- ''i am so worried about you , are you sick or something ? .. ohh it looks like it is something really serious ! you don't have cancer don't you ?! oh my God ! ''

-''don't worry i am not sick or anything but I can't figure out a way to tell you ... i can't say it!''

-''come on it is not that hard !''
 i grabbed my phone , opened the notes application and wrote down ''2ana gay''! and i gave to him !

i looked straight in his eyes to see his reaction ... he was totally shocked ! just like he saw a ghost or something ... ''la2 ! 3anjadd !! ma bsadde2 2ennak gay! 2akid fi shi 8alat''!
i said no , nothing is wrong , i am gay !

a few minutes later he said ''it is ok man , it doesn't matter actually !''

i can't describe the huge relief i felt at that moment !

we then started to talk about it ... i told him that we were friends for 7 years without you knowing this and i don't think that this will change anything ... he was totally positive , a little shocked , but positive
he said that he will always be there for me and we will stay friends forever ...

we didn't have a lot of time as it was getting dark and we are in the middle of nowhere as i said before so we drove back to his house ...

i was surprised how he totally forgot about it the minute we got out of the car ! we just got back to his house , his friend was there waiting for him and we were laughing and talking about stupid stuff like usual ... it was what i really wanted ! to continue like nothing happened because actually your sexuality is not this important in a friendship! why would your friend mind about the sex of the people you sleep with ?! and i was glad to see that this was the case with M (my friend's name starts with an M) , he was like ''you are gay ok , so let's move on to another thing..''!

Thank you M ! a huge thank you for your support ! i am sure that now we will be closer than ever " you now know my biggest secret ... there is nothing to hide from now on ...